A lot of parents having been asking me lately how to manage technology use during quarantine. After all, many kids are not attending school in person and consequently cell phones and computers have become their primary means of connecting with peers. Even more concerning to parents is that, for some kids, “connecting” means playing games with their friends (right now, Among Us is super popular), as kids can chat with each other and collaborate on teams during these games, instead of face to face chatting.
This means though, that parents have kids who are often online for at least 6 or more hours every day during the week. They are online for school, and then several hours more during evenings and weekends for social interaction. Parents who try to restrict cell phone usage report that their kids are resentful and angry, as they feel isolated from their peers. How should one best balance the need to reduce tech usage with their child’s need for social interaction?
While the exact rules of tech usage limits varies from family to family, here are my general thoughts:
First, talk to kids about tech usage and safety. Engage child in conversation about what behaviors they think might not be safe, as well as why they think using too much tech can backfire. I often find that kids admit that too much screen time leaves them feeling irritable or tired when invited, but argue against this when told why less tech is necessary. In general, any time you invite your child to generate reasons or points in a conversation, it tends to go better.
Clearly outline what is allowed and not allowed in terms of tech usage. Some parents are not ok with Snapchat, while others don’t allow games like Among Us. I encourage parents to set their rules around their comfort, but to have clear discussions with their kids about what apps are allowed, and what are not. I invite parents to create their own account and add their children in order to test out what the apps are like, and to have a better idea of each app’s purpose.
Relax limits during social distancing/remote learning, particularly if the child is completing school work/household chores and is still engaging in other interests/activities. While COVID-19 has many parents understandably worried about learning and academics, in my practice, I’ve been more focused on children’s social emotional wellbeing. Kids are not used to being isolated from one another, nor are they meant to be learning through screens. I worry about what the lack of social engagement does, so I have been advocating for kids to have more tech liberties than usual, particularly for families who are observing very strict social distancing measures. That being said, I think that this relaxation of limits needs to be balanced against parents still maintaining basic expectations; if child is meeting parents’ expectations for the day (i.e., this varies from family to family but may include turning in all assignments, getting exercise, completing chores, etc.), I would be in favor of more screen time. Just as long as the additional screen time is not having negative ramifications on their activities of daily living, I think children can benefit from more peer contact. A big red flag for me is when children forgo all other interests in pursuit of tech usage, or start lying for more screen time.
If possible, encourage other forms of (safe) social engagement. Some families have been open to podding, or having outdoor masked playdates. Others have set up online “reading” dates for their kids.
Invite kids to generate solutions on how their tech usage can be better managed and balanced. Parents often hate this suggestion because they feel that their children will come up with unbalanced solutions. In some cases, yes. But sometimes they’ll offer up something totally reasonable, or if not, at least you are making them feel more engaged in the resolution process, as opposed to handing down a rule. I find this to be particularly salient as kids get older; they want to feel that they have some say. An immediate “No” is one sure way to frustrate and complicate communication with your teen.
Finally, establish that tech usage is a privilege, not a right. I often seen kids assume that a cell phone being purchased by their parents is theirs, and this often results in a lot of difficulty limit setting with the kids. I encourage parents to try to find ways to establish early on that cell phones are a form of freedom and responsibility, and that necessitates wise and careful usage.
Have a family tech-free time everyday. Some parents declare this to be bedtime hours, or declare no tech in bedrooms after a certain hour. Some parents have a moratorium on tech during the dinner hours. I think that an imposed break can be helpful not only for kids but their parents as well! Research has shown that getting a text message activates the same neural networks as winning at the slot machines - it’s so easy to get addicted and highly reinforced to check our phones. If we want our kids to take a break from tech, shouldn’t parents/adults be the ones to model what this looks like?