The last few weeks have seen a number of tragedies unfold that has brought many issues to the fore for me; as a second generation Asian American, a person who works and resides in Boulder, a child psychologist, and a parent, these events have touched upon issues unique to each of these roles. Although I’ve spent more than decade getting in-depth training on how to talk to youth about all sorts of awkward and difficult topics, conversations about well being and threat to safety are hard, no matter how many years of practice you’ve gained.
Drawn from my work experience and training, here are a few pointers about how to talk to your kids about violence in your community:
Invite your children to have a conversation. For younger kids, this can be as simple as, “Hey, something sad happened this week in our town. Can we talk about it?” For teens, I guarantee you, they already know what happened, and some of them, already overwhelmed by COVID and isolation, may not want to get into it. In that case, set a date in the future (e.g., a week away) to follow up or leave an open invitation for them to talk to you about it when/if they are ready. If they do not want to talk about it, do not press or push them to discuss immediately.
Provide general and a parsimonious amount of details, and allow them to inquire as needed. For kids who are younger or did not know what transpired, start with less information, but a general enough description of what happened, and then let them ask questions.
Describe details at a developmentally appropriate level. For younger children, provide age-appropriate information, but leave out details that are too specific or mature for them to understand. I also encourage parents not to use vague terms like “bad people” or “bad guys,” as that is a blanket nebulous term that can be scary for younger kids. In this case, with elementary school aged kids, it’s ok to share that there are some things we don’t know, and be appropriate with what we do know, such as “The person who did this may have been having some tough times with their thoughts or feelings.” As always, if you don’t know, it’s better to say that than to fill in information.
Discuss at an appropriate time. A lot of kids will need time to process what happened, so conversations right before bed might not be best, as it will lead them to ruminate. I recommend a weekend morning when you will be accessible to your child for the rest of the day so that they can ask you questions as needed.
Validate emotions, and share yours. Younger kids may not be able to name their emotions over this, so it’s ok to help them identify it and share yours if it matches their’s. Obviously, you want to do this an age appropriate way - sharing that you are sad and upset too is ok, but spare any details about the intensity, depth or degree of these feelings, and definitely get support if you or your child are finding yourselves overwhelmed, consistently preoccupied, and low in mood over these events.
State the facts. I am a firm believer in telling our children the truth in age-appropriate ways, as our long term goal as parents is to prepare them for independence and the real world. For younger children, we can acknowledge that these scary events happen, and at the same time, that there is safety in our neighborhood, home, etc. Don’t make promises that you can’t keep, such as being able to keep them safe forever, and don’t provide reassurances that are not realistic.
Encouraging coping and healing behaviors. Some kids want to do something upon hearing about these events, and I encourage parents to support these efforts. Whether this is donating, fundraising, visiting the memorials, writing cards, etc. It is important that kids have a sense of self-efficacy in being able to cope and respond in some way. If your child is unable to come up with any, provide options (e.g., writing letters, donating some money from their piggy bank, etc.) and let them choose.
Take breaks. These types of conversations can happen over the long term, and don’t need to be completed in one go. Let your kids know that it’s ok to raise these issues anytime if needed or schedule a time to continue the conversation if it’s too much. On the other hand, if you are finding that your child seems to be having difficulty talking about anything other than these events, trouble sleeping, and seems stuck on details, questions, what ifs, please get some professional support.
Deal with one issue at a time. Events like these often involve complicated issues, and you may find that when your kids ask questions, some of these questions could lead you in a total other direction or need to be addressed by a whole other conversation. Should these questions arise, it’s ok if you need to curtail the discussion, and you can do this by gentling commenting on your child’s concern (e.g., “X seems to be something that’s bothering you”), or ask them gently what they are thinking or worried about in asking that question (e.g., “I see you are wondering if Y. Can you tell me a little more about what you are thinking?”). If it’s too much to discuss in one go, validate their desire to understand and make plans to talk about it later: “I hear you are really concerned about this issue. I think it’s important for us to talk about but I’d like to do that <whenever>. Is that ok with you? I want you to know that it’s super important to me that you are thinking about this and I want to revisit it.” You may even want to write down some of the questions in a notebook so that your child knows that it’s on your mind and something that will get addressed.
Self-care. Parents process their own feelings while trying to also contain and process their children’s. Be sure to take breaks from media and news, and self-care when possible. Make sure you find your own ways of coping and grieving, and it’s ok to let your kids know that you are working through these as well.
